Stop the brag and cry for love

My Son, do not cry for pain, cry for love. Tears were not meant for men! Said my father, struggling to keep tears at bay.  He had got an attack known in medical circles as angina pectoris. A severe pain pierced him right from the heart towards his left arm. Angina pectoris will make any human cry. I was born in a region where tears from the eyes of a boy was almost a taboo. As I grew up to understand gender roles, and man’s chores, I became self-indoctrinated to a false belief that men should not cry. I never liked the regular tears in my sister’s eyes at every adversity of childhood.  I thought that my father coveted I be dissimilar. He carried me away to a faraway town. I spent my childhood with him. In my father’s mind, or so I supposed, a boy-man could go to the forest alone to fetch fire hood- and that I did. In my father’s mind or so I supposed, a boy-man could go to the canteen at night fearing no darkness- and that I did. In my father’s mind or so I supposed, I was meant to become a man before I became a boy-which I tried.

This push created in me a wild at heart craving; I thought that a boy should wrestle other boys if they counter him. Fight them by biceps, and crash them in class. I falsely epitomized my dad and believed that a man was born to fight rather than cry. I fell in love with fighters of then days screens “The British Bull Dog, the Undertaker, Tito Santana” I tired their moves in School and knocked a few boys down. Severally I ploughed the whole 4K club plot with an axe as punishment from the discipline master, for fighting in school.

My birth place was no recipe solution to my dilemma of manhood and tears. In my culture we eulogized rites of passage; I longed to undergo this rite to prove that I was man enough and had no tears on my cornea. I got torn between disowning my culture that abhors tears from a man, and embrace a lifestyle that would allow a man to cry. I went soul searching to unlock my betwixt. I talked to friends. Young and old alike. I talked to my priest friend whom I was sure had seen the Pope at least once. This is when my myopic and parochial condition got treated. I learned than a man can cry when his team loses through penalties, I learned that a man can cry when he sees his bride walk down the aisle to say yes I do. I learned that a man can cry during his wife’s first baby scan at 24 weeks of pregnancy. I learned that a man can cry when his son wins a kite competition. And that’s when I learned about tears of love so close to a man’s eyes.

I still needed one more approval to seal my conversion to a world that allows men to cry.  That approval would be from my dad. I have watched my dad age graciously and I thought I had to ask this before I get too late.  In the words of Han Alexander the blogger, I asked him the other day if I have ever made him cry in my presence, because I don’t recollect ever seeing his tears. He said, “Yes, you made me cry once”. He told me that when I was 3 years old, he laid out a pen, a shilling, and a toy in front of me. He wanted to see which one I would pick. It represents what I would value most when i grow up. Picking the pen meant intelligence, picking the shilling meant money, and the toy meant fun. He said that I sat there and stared at the items. He sat across from me and waited patiently. According to him, I crawled towards them, he held his breath, and I pushed everything aside and went right into his arms. He didn’t realize that he was one of the choices. That was the first, and the only time I made him cry. My dad did not cry due to the pain of angina pectoris but cried in the presence a three years old - me. Tears of love so close to a man’s eyes

From that story I learned the love of a father to a son, and I purposed to love my daughters the more. I long to make a toast during their wedding days and that may make me cry, and those shall be tears of love. Cry when you can, but above all cry for love.

Reaching out to the deaf community

What is your name in deaf language? am sure you have no idea how to sign your name for the deaf to understand. Giving birth to a normal child and precisely a child who has functioning ears is always a silent prayer for every parent. Today I want to Zero down to the deaf people. I want to inform you on how to do a conversation with the deaf. By the end of my presentation you will identify some guidelines to follow when communicating with a deaf person.

A deaf person is one who cannot hear nor talk. Deaf individuals communicate visually and physically rather than audibly. There are many causes of deafness. Some people are born deaf due to a hereditary condition, or had congenital problems. Others may become deaf as a result of injury, illness or exposure to excessive noise.

There are varying degrees of deafness: 1)hard of hearing, 2) "profoundly" deaf, and 3) completely deaf. You can often recognize the hard of hearing by their hearing aids. Deaf or profoundly deaf people may wear no hearing aid at all. Some will be able to lip read and understand you nearly perfectly, however, many will communicate with sign language rather than with words. In an environment that takes little or no account of deafness a deaf person can feel isolated, confused and frustrated. Therefore, for the sake of the deaf community I will give you three guidelines that will help you understand what you need to do so as to communicate with the deaf

1.Get the other person's attention before attempting to talk or communicate. Making eye contact is a good way to do this. If needed, you can use a small wave or light touch to get the person's attention. Generally it is not considered rude in deaf communities to lightly touch people you do not know to get their attention. The shoulder is a good place to touch someone you don't know well; use a couple of short taps

2. Speak your greeting in a normal voice and tone. Whispering or shouting will distort your lip movements, making it difficult for a deaf person to follow your words. Similarly, if you exaggerate your mouth movements you will be harder to understand than if you speak normally. Increasing the volume only helps if the person is hard of hearing, and it has the negative effect of drawing attention from other people around you, making the person you are addressing feel self-conscious.

3.Learn sign language. For full communication with deaf people, learn sign language. Sign languages are natural languages, with their own grammar and syntax. Most countries have their own national sign languages. They are quite distinct to spoken languages and generally do not follow the same geographic distribution (for example, British Sign Language is very different from American Sign Language). Many colleges, universities and local deaf organizations offer classes for all levels of learners. In Nairobi the Kenya Institute of Education has endeavored to develop a curriculum for the sign language students. One complete VCD costs 500 KES (approx $ 10) and with the CD one can learn how to communicate in sign language. I realized how difficult it is to use sign language without prior training during a baseball game when we could not communicate with the students of Karen School for the Deaf, despite their interest to learn baseball; they stormed out of the playground never to return because we could not understand each other. The deaf   people have their culture, and they can not join into our culture due to their disability, but we can learn their way of life for a more comprehensive society

I wish to leave you with some advice: Never assume that a deaf person is also mentally disabled. An unwritten rule in the deaf culture is "if you can see it, you can comment on it." So do not take a deaf person's bluntness personally - they do not mean to offend. It is simply acceptable in their culture to make comments like "you are bigger than last time I saw you" or other comments that would be considered rude in spoken conversation. We admire them enormously when they overcome their disabilities to bring honour and respect to our country. We marvel at their strength, grace and courage. Unfortunately we then cut off the supports that mean the difference between life and death for them. Who knows if one day you wouldn’t fall in love with a deaf, how will you express the feeling of I love you! 

"There was a Chinua"

My protagonist my hero the “patriarch of the Africa novel”. Born on 16^th November 1930, in the Igbo town of Ogidi, eastern Nigeria. Albert Chinualumogu Achebe schooled in public schools and later graduated from the University of Ibadan in 1954.  He published his ground breaking novel, Things Fall Apart, in 1958. He later authored 17 books and 5 standout novels. Today, Chinua Achebe is six feet under. Dead men are remembered based on what they did while their heart beat. I want us to learn three things from Achebe’s life and times, part of what made him the “father of African literature”

He started small then settled for more - Achebe started publishing short stories while in the university. Triumphant people confine into one thing then spread their wings to reach out to the world - and that was Chinua. He never scattered his focus and energy hence the reason we should pontificate him. From Korea to England, from United States to Australia, New Zealand and back to Africa, Achebe traversed the world in the name of literature. An unflinching look at the discord of his life gives you a startling success of this African child. Not so much because his writings dint have critics, but for holding together the African literary culture for generations.

Achebe never allowed tragedies of life cut short his mission. One day on a chattered vehicle from Enugu to Lagos, the wagon lost its axle and somersaulted several times before crash-landing with a deadly thud. It was a horrific sight as shrieks and blood melded on the scene of the accident living on its trail, a wreck vehicle and mortal agonies. The accident left Achebe paralyzed waist down and confined him to a wheelchair for the rest of his life, yet he lived to receive over 30 honorary degrees from universities across the globe. According to Nelson Mandela Achebe brought Africa to the world.

Achebe was open minded – he said it as he saw it - Crossing the Rubicon and as brave as a lion Chinua published story of the Biafran Genocide. He laments that since independence his country blatantly denied people their rights; ushering in all manner of banality and ineptitude and destroyed the principles and systems that reward excellence and respect talent. According to Noo Saro Wiwa, a reporter with the Gardian, Achebe believed that the Igbo people were stifled by corrupt elite that preferred power and mediocrity to meritocracy. In Dr Enekwechi’s remarks, the Igbo holocaust left 3 millions Biafrans dead and provided the 20th century replica for Rwanda’s genocide, and Darfur atrocities. It equals the starvation and gassing of six million innocent Jewish men, women and children in the concentration camps by Germany’s Hitler. The story of Igbo genocide buried for forty years is finally being told by the victims and the pictures of “starved Biafran children” on You Tube.

He beat his enemies at their own game - Despite his controversial book, Chinua was given a state burial. All his adversaries sent condolences having realized what a noble man and an enormous icon the literary world had lost. Few weeks ago Prof Wole Soyinka lamented that Chinua is entitled to better than being escorted to his grave with that monotonous hypocritical aria of deprivations lament, orchestrated by those who dye their mourning garments a deeper indigo than those of the bereaved. Cheer and jeer greeted the obituary published under the title ‘There was a Chinua’. Achebe twice turned down national honors and think those who want a posthumous recognition for him should let him be and rest in peace. Otherwise, he may turn in his grave and reject the recognition for the third time. Chinua Achebe died on March 21, 2013, at the age of 82, in Boston, Massachusetts. Four presidents and the Archbishop of Canterbury graced his farewell when Achebe’s body finally kissed his father’s soil. Chinua’s story of Biafra, and of man’s inhumanity to man – was like a thunderous exclamation mark on his life as a writer!

The three things we learn from Chinua’s life and times; He started small, then settled for more, He was open minded and he beat his own adversaries at their game. As I conclude, I stand in humility, in the shadow of his greatness and, yes, of his almost Biblical stature! In the language of the poet I ask, when comes such another? There was a Chinua!

           (Some of the excerpts of this blog have been borrowed from other publications)